A Joke A Day Keeps the Doctor at Bay

“Laughter is internal jogging.”

Feels like it might be time for some laughter. Are you feeling it too?

It’s nice, occasionally, to group a few of the funnier things I’ve read or seen, into one post. I run into crack me up stuff all the time. Friends and family also send me jokes and puns. And, occasionally, I go looking for something to brighten the day.

I take no credit for any one of these. If I knew who to thank I’d surely give them kudos and recognition.

So, here goes:

What do you call a camel without a hump?

Humphrey!

 

Funny if you understand or attempt to understand math.

 

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.
“Hey mister! Nice pants!” it says.
He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice again.
“Hey mister! Sweet shoes!”
Again, he looks around, sees nothing but a bartender who is busy attending to other customers. Shaking his head, he sips once more.
“Hey mister! Cool shirt!”
He puts down his drink, frustrated at this phantom voice, and signals to the bartender, who comes over.
“Hey barkeep,” he begins, “what is that high-pitched voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” he replies. “They’re complimentary.”

 

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered…

 

If you’re Russian when you go into the bathroom, and you’re Finnish when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

European.

 

I wish I knew who to give credit to for this gem! If you know, please shoot me a comment!

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, “Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?”
Her grandson replied, “You know grandma, it’s like on TV, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”

 

A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. 
The police are looking into it.

 

A new word and its definition:

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Just Joking Around As Usual

After three months I’m still posting a joke or two a day as my status update on Facebook. I’ve read through a passel of really lame ones to winnow out a few chuckle worthy ones to share. Wish I were naturally funny and could just make them up on my own.

For nothing other than your sheer enjoyment, here’s a random bunch I gleaned from the pack.

Hope you get a laugh or two. 

 

 

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says, “Get out! We don’t want your type in here!”

This morning I went to the bank and asked a teller to check my balance, so she pushed me.

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” his wife replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “Arizona State University.”

 

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.

It’s impossible to put down.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath….This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

If life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.

A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like YOUR mother-in-law better than I like mine!”

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?

 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

An acquaintance told me that her husband and she divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and she didn’t.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender asks,”Olive or twist?”

 

 

Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Two parrots were sitting on a perch.

One says to the other, ‘Can you smell fish?’

 

“I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again.”

 

Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, “Hey, you just stole an electron from me!”

“Are you sure?” asks the second atom.

To which the first atom replies, “Yeah, I’m positive!”

 + + + 

“Two peanuts walk into a really rough bar. Unfortunately, one was a salted.”

Husband to wife: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he replied, ‘I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!’

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

Middle C, E Flat and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back, “said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes. 

A pregnant woman went into labor and began to yell, “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

She was having contractions.  ~ Garrison Keillor

 

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”

 

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws the lightbulb into a water faucet.

Normal around here is just a setting on the dryer.

 

Twenty-five Jokes to Liven Up Your Day

My cousin texted this photo to me this morning. It’s her view out the front door.

Colorado, May, Northern Hemisphere.

Did I mention that it’s May? In the Northern Hemisphere? The high temperature there today? Thirty-nine. Brrr.

Now here’s the view from my front door.

May, Arizona, Northern Hemisphere.

The high temperature here? We’re shooting for eighty-six. Mmm. Not too bad.

I think the joke is on my cousin today.

Don’t worry, she’ll get her revenge in a month or two when it’s one hundred sixteen degrees here and she’s basking in the seventies.

In an attempt to lighten up, I’ve been posting jokes on one of my other social media sites this past month. I thought I ought to share the love a little and post some of those jokes here on my blog. I’ve even thrown in a few new ones that haven’t seen the light of day yet.

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?

A Cockerpoodledoo.

 

What do you call a camel with a hump?

Humphrey.

 

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?

Because their kids have to play inside.

 

A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.”

The doctor said, “well, stay away from those places.”

 

Larry’s mother had four children. Three were named North, South and West. What was her other child’s name?

 

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day…

but I couldn’t find any.

 

What did the mother rope say to her child?

Don’t be knotty.

 

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”

― Milton Berle

 

What did one frog say to the other?

Time’s sure fun when you’re having flies!

 

What did the mother bullet say to the daddy bullet?

We’re gonna have a BB!

 

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

 

Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?

He was declared to be in Seine.

 

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

Every morning you’ll rise and shine.

 

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

 

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

(Two of my friends had alternate answers: Fauxguini and Lyinguini)

 

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?

Where’s Popcorn?

 

What did the digital clock say to its mother?

“Look Ma, no hands!”

(Alternate answer: Was my father a Cuckoo?)

 

What do spiders eat in Paris?

French flies.

 

What do you call a French guy in sandals?

Phillipe Phloppe

 

If runners get athlete’s foot what do astronauts get?

Mistletoe

 

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. (Not even remotely.)

 

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

 

Why did the Easter Egg hide?

Because he was a little chicken.

 

What did Snow White the photographer say?

Some day my prints will come.

 

What did the math book say to the other math book?

Boy do I have problems.

 

Okay, I promise, I’ll stop now. Feel free to share one or two of your favorite jokes in the comments section. I could, obviously, use a little help in the humor department.

Have You Met Your Laugh Quota this Week?

When did you last have an all out, stomach grabbing, nearly fall off of your chair belly laugh?

I ask myself that very question every couple of weeks, as a kind of mental health checkup. If I’m not getting in a great laugh at least once a week, then I need to find a really good comedy to watch or read. Better yet, I need my cousin to email me some great jokes. She has a great sense of humor and wonderful comedic timing.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a good laugh, so I’ve been online looking for something to tickle my funny bone. What follows is a few choice results of good, clean funny stuff my marathon running cousin has sent me in the past couple of years. Thanks, “cuz” for the great laughs!

I hope you enjoy a good chortle or giggle, like I did.

New Definitions

This one’s been circulated a bunch because it’s funny. Take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:


Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido : All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Alternate Meanings for Common Words

Here’s some alternate meanings for common words: 

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. absent-mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

Comics (Photo credit: Richard Masoner / Cyclelicious)

Titles of some of the World’s Shortest Books: (warning, not Politically Correct)

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY 
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
And Prefaced by George Soros

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL 
By Hillary Clinton

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
 By Bill Clinton

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
 By Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY 
By Dennis Rodman

GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
 By Amelia Earhart