Seven months today.
I thought by now I’d feel better, be on the upswing.
But no. If anything the cycle of grief leaves me reeling from an upside down outside loop (is that even possible?) and rockets into this cavernous roiling flame-filled pit of wild emotion I don’t even recognize. Anger, tears, blame, sorrow, regret; those words only skim the surface some days.
Sounds stupidly dramatic.
Kathy would say, “Oh, get over yourself woman.” Then we’d drive over to Freddie’s for their super skinny fries and epic fry sauce and a concrete mixer with caramel and nuts and fudge and two days worth of calories in one sitdown whine fest.
What an awesome listener. The world needs more listeners like her. What an honest, straightforward tell it like it really is talker. We need more of that, too.
If I were to follow her example when someone asks how I’m doing I would NOT say, “Oh, I’m fine!” Instead I’d say, “I’m a wreck!”
I miss her like crazy. I miss us. Our friendship. Our uniquely bizarre mix of humor, life’s experience and often wordless communication created five years of something beyond special.Now, months later, there’s still this gaping hole of her absence. And I keep tripping and falling into it. Hurts every time. I just can’t seem to navigate away from the edge, yet.
Maybe someday. Maybe at the one year point. Y’think? I don’t know.
She’d be mad at me if I left this post hanging on a negative note. She’d be mad at me for the whole post, honestly. Oh well, she’ll have to come haunt me to shut me up. So there.
Here’s where I insert the jokes.
But just to be safe, (I don’t really want her haunting me) here’s a few fairly good, clean George Carlin one liners. (Hint: it helps to say them out loud in your best comedian voice, with a nice pause at the end for a rim shot, pa da, pum! )
- If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Alright already, I’ll stop now.
I’ve found salvation and solace in laughter the past few months. It’s cathartic. It’s healing. It’s like medicine, without the weird side effects.
I’m fine. Really. Most of the time I am. I just have these moments that last a day or two or three. It helps to write it out loud, kinda gets it out of my system.
I’ll sign off today the same way I used to tell her goodbye. The same way I said goodbye for the last time.
“Love ya, Kathy. See ya later.”
The title for today’s post is a take off on a song by Paul Simon, “Still Crazy After All These Years.” It speaks to me on so many different levels. You can listen to it here.