Posts Tagged With: stickiness

Apple, Not Pumpkin, You Silly People You

We had our first outdoor shindig of the reasonable seasonable weather last night. Ah, everything you could wish for was going on. Well, almost. One daughter and her man were missing.

We had the grill throwing up three foot high flames, a bit of a puddle to splash in, music wafting onto the patio, a babe sleeping in someone’s arms, the smell of bread baking indoors and shrimp on the finally tamed barbie. Hugs, kisses, dancing, a board game, a couple napping, laughter, olive fingers and way too much food. And to top it all off, three choices of dessert, lemon bars, cream puffs, or, wait for it, wait for it, yes, pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.

You know I had to throw some pumpkin in the mix because it’s autumn and autumn apparently means pumpkin, although I’m not quite sure why. Probably because whoever grows and markets pumpkin has a massive campaign blitz going from here to Antarctica to sell the darn stuff or else. There’s stuff out there that should never include the word or texture of pumpkin. Fudge, hot chocolate, cider, soup.

Ew. Just don’t!

Please people, lets exercise a little reason out there!!

To me apple is the fruit o’ the season. Apple crisp with it’s cinnamon and nutmeg crunchy topping with a little ice-cream melting on the side says Autumn like nothing else. Don’t forget apple pie and apple cider and, yes, apple fritters. And the creme de la creme, carmel apples.

That shiny golden brown chewiness on a stick beckons teeth and lips and gums to sink in as you become one with drippy stickiness. Can’t you just feel your chin collecting that sugary glue covered sensation.

I worry some about my dental work getting destroyed by the succulence and power of the lowly carmel apple. And because of that worry I came up with a highly acceptable alternative.

This is kind of a recipe, which I don’t generally do, so you might want to pay attention at this point.

(This point.)

Yes, this is where you really need to pay attention. Thank you.

  1. In a tiny glass bowl place five unwrapped Brach’s caramels.
  2. Add two teaspoons of water.
  3. Nuke in the microwave for thirty seconds. Stir with a fork. If not melted all the way, nuke again for thirty more seconds.
  4. If this mixture isn’t all creamy and delectable by now you’ve probably overcooked it. So sad. Although microwaves can be finicky and maybe you’ve undercooked it, but not likely. Punt. Or try again. I guess.
  5. Cut up one apple, which variety is purely your choice.. I prefer using one of the apple corer/slicer things <== (highly technical name of the device.) You can use a paring knife to cut slices as well. The thinner the better but not too thin. If you make this often enough you’ll get the right ratio eventually.
  6. Find a cozy, secluded spot and dip your apple slices into your melted carmel mixture. Enjoy every bite without fear of losing your fillings, molars or any other teeth parts. And no sticky chin!

There you have it. The perfect personal autumn treat. The quintessential dessert improved and perfected. Who knew such things were possible?

*No pumpkins were harmed in the making of this blog post.

**Now apples being harmed, that might be a different story.

Categories: Food | Tags: , , , , , | 7 Comments

Questionable Recipes

I realized I’ve never posted a recipe here on my infamous blog.

Why? Perhaps because this isn’t a foodie blog?

I have posted photos of food several times which I’m not so sure counts. You see, my goal is to write, not just post photos. So why is my head bouncing around the idea of a recipe for today’s post? Of course, I’m going to explore this in my head a bit and then get back to you. While I’m gone you can contemplate the following photo which involved a two-year old and a DVD player.

Items found inside a non-working DVD player. Any idea why it wasn't working?

Items found inside a non-working DVD player. Any idea why it wasn’t working?

After a modicum of thought I have concluded this isn’t an actual RECIPE post, with something you can go buy the ingredients for and replicate in your own kitchen. No. Apparently not.

Rather, the muse has whispered three words, recipes for disaster.

Put two or three seemingly harmless ingredients together and stand back to see what happens.

Rain Dance

Carefully wash one car under a blue sky.

Leave outside for a few hours. Rain will follow shortly.

This one is almost always a guaranteed winner, particularly in a drought situation. Be sure not to let your real intention be to produce rain or the recipe will not work. Your sincere and only aim must be to have a clean and shiny car.

Stick-to-it-iveness

To one blender with a missing lid add one or two hungry and independent children.

Add milk, fruit and ice-cream. 

Not one of my favorites as it involves not just the floor but every surface in the kitchen, horizontal, vertical, curved, moving, alive or stationary. Burns large amounts of time easily. You’re sure to find stickiness for weeks afterwards.

Misery

Say goodbye to someone you won’t see for a long time, and within ten minutes of that get really crappy news from someone else. Add in a virus. Throw in the definite possibility that you’ve let a few people down and mix generously with insufficient sleep.

Serve with a generous side of self-pity and a headache. *Does not mix well with alcohol or driving or other human beings.

With recipes like this some serious medical attention may serve as desert.

There you have it. A good cook gone bad.

Maybe next time I’ll post my favorite bread recipe. Not original, but very edible.

Categories: Food, Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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